You know this evening while I sat here waiting on the Over night success download, (it still didn't work) I actually got hungry. Some of you know that we had cornbread for supper. I thought I would try and eat something my daddy used to eat a long time ago, cornbread IN milk. I remembered my daddy loving it so much and I always thought it was just so gross. But tonight I tried it.....THERE WAS NO TASTE TO IT WHATSOEVER!!! It wasn't disgusting, it wasn't bland, but it wasn't the best thing I had ever tasted either.
I was almost disappointed, but then I look back at how big of a man my daddy was(he wasn't huge) and I think, he did what most of us used to do, he didn't want that cornbread to go to waste. My aunts are 2 very large women, my older aunt had the gastric bypass surgery. Yes, she's lost a HUGE amount of weight, but she's still very unhappy. My other aunt choses to stay big, very big. We are talking that, I'm guessing, a 5x or a 6x is tight on her. I never in my life ever want to be that size. They are miserable, the one with the surgery is always in a depressed mode and the other is always biting your head off. I don't want to be a hateful, depressed large person.
I DO want to be happy at where I'm at. As I put on my pajamas yesterday evening, I thought, man, your looking good. And ALMOST started to say, you could use a little more off here, or there, but I didn't I said no, you look good and that gave me such great hope. It felt good to compliment myself, it felt good to put something in my mouth tonight and say nope, this isn't what I wanted and threw it away. I didn't eat just because I had made it, that's a huge step for me. I'm one that dangit if I make it, I'm gonna enjoy it.....or so I used to be.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Are they finally opening?
Are my eyes finally seeing what needs to be seen? I've read other blogs of fellow NON-DIETERS and it's so eye opening that others deal with not only food struggles but inner struggles as well.
I was one of these girls that didn't even have boobs when I was in the 8th grade, I was so skinny. But never realized it until someone began to tease me about it. That's when the self-image of me began to roar. I stayed pretty thin until I had to quit cheer leading because of bad grades. Then I met my future husband. I got what everyone says "happy fat".
When we got married my wedding dress was a size 14, healthy as most older people call it. I was not miserable but I wanted to lose weight, yet I wasn't obsessed with it yet. Then I started working for a lady that has been on every diet known to man, and she's not fat. It's definitely a mind thing with her. At the time she was doing the Atkins Diet, and I thought, ya know, I'm getting kind of big myself (I had moved into a 16jeans). So I fell in line with those doing this outrageous carb diet, and limited my intake of carbs to 20 per day!!!! That's insane!!! I even went as far to make my own food journal and carried it with me everywhere I went. I lost 20lbs and it was great! Until my body went into a whirlwind and I bled for 16days.
On that 16th day, I STOPPED! I gained 30lbs back!!!! That was the 20 I lost + 10more on top of that!! Then I got pregnant with my precious Lydia, I only gained 24lbs, and lost every bit of it because I nursed her.
Then 7months later came one of the biggest devastation in my life....a tornado. Literally, a tornado, picked up my home and dumped it out like a garbage can. That put more stress on me and my family than I could imagine! I was HOMELESS!!! A month later I found out I was pregnant with Macy. I didn't even give my body time to recover! I gained 35lbs with her, and lost it all, but then the stress of 2 in diapers was unbelievable!!! I gained more weight. Got on WW and paid out the butt to lose a whopping 10lbs in 9wks. NOPE not for me.
When Macy was about 2yrs old, I was watching GMA, and this weight loss program popped up on the screen...coming up next, praying to lose weight. I'm a Christian and of course I was hooked. I got the AT HOME kit and lost 25lbs, found out I was pregnant again!!! This time I gained the most weight. When I had Kara, I was 225 or even a little over, I couldn't bear to look. I avoided every camera possible to man!!! At first a lot of the weight came off with me "trying" to eat intuitively and nursing her also. I lost 30lbs, then I hit a brick wall. I spent more money going back through another "class" and the more I listened the more it just didn't jive with me that I could lose my salvation over eating to much. I still felt like a complete failure.
Then one day while on cafemom I saw a post on someone starting a new group about the "new" show that aired the night before! I thought this is what I'm doing already and I was officially a Paul McKenna follower. NO I don't worship him but I am glad he is sharing this wonderful way of life with others for nothing on the Television!! At that time I was still and avid once a week weigher on those horrible scales. Then it hit me, when I weigh I sabotage if it's good OR bad. So I decided to set them aside and only weigh when I went to the Dr. or felt completely in touch with myself to do it at home. I don't know how much weight loss is in store for me, but I do know that I want that spiritual healing. And I don't mean in just my Christianity, I mean in my own body that God gave me that I've practically ignored for the past 10yrs. The last couple of days have been a hard couple of days for me. But I've trudged through them and come out on the other side positive and ready for a new day. It's okay if I have a crappy day, I just have to deal. Food is not the answer, sometimes our bodies and minds tell us when to have a quiet moment and we don't listen. We stuff our faces, instead of dealing with the issue.
It's time I give my mind, body and soul a rejuvenation. How bout you?
I was one of these girls that didn't even have boobs when I was in the 8th grade, I was so skinny. But never realized it until someone began to tease me about it. That's when the self-image of me began to roar. I stayed pretty thin until I had to quit cheer leading because of bad grades. Then I met my future husband. I got what everyone says "happy fat".
When we got married my wedding dress was a size 14, healthy as most older people call it. I was not miserable but I wanted to lose weight, yet I wasn't obsessed with it yet. Then I started working for a lady that has been on every diet known to man, and she's not fat. It's definitely a mind thing with her. At the time she was doing the Atkins Diet, and I thought, ya know, I'm getting kind of big myself (I had moved into a 16jeans). So I fell in line with those doing this outrageous carb diet, and limited my intake of carbs to 20 per day!!!! That's insane!!! I even went as far to make my own food journal and carried it with me everywhere I went. I lost 20lbs and it was great! Until my body went into a whirlwind and I bled for 16days.
On that 16th day, I STOPPED! I gained 30lbs back!!!! That was the 20 I lost + 10more on top of that!! Then I got pregnant with my precious Lydia, I only gained 24lbs, and lost every bit of it because I nursed her.
Then 7months later came one of the biggest devastation in my life....a tornado. Literally, a tornado, picked up my home and dumped it out like a garbage can. That put more stress on me and my family than I could imagine! I was HOMELESS!!! A month later I found out I was pregnant with Macy. I didn't even give my body time to recover! I gained 35lbs with her, and lost it all, but then the stress of 2 in diapers was unbelievable!!! I gained more weight. Got on WW and paid out the butt to lose a whopping 10lbs in 9wks. NOPE not for me.
When Macy was about 2yrs old, I was watching GMA, and this weight loss program popped up on the screen...coming up next, praying to lose weight. I'm a Christian and of course I was hooked. I got the AT HOME kit and lost 25lbs, found out I was pregnant again!!! This time I gained the most weight. When I had Kara, I was 225 or even a little over, I couldn't bear to look. I avoided every camera possible to man!!! At first a lot of the weight came off with me "trying" to eat intuitively and nursing her also. I lost 30lbs, then I hit a brick wall. I spent more money going back through another "class" and the more I listened the more it just didn't jive with me that I could lose my salvation over eating to much. I still felt like a complete failure.
Then one day while on cafemom I saw a post on someone starting a new group about the "new" show that aired the night before! I thought this is what I'm doing already and I was officially a Paul McKenna follower. NO I don't worship him but I am glad he is sharing this wonderful way of life with others for nothing on the Television!! At that time I was still and avid once a week weigher on those horrible scales. Then it hit me, when I weigh I sabotage if it's good OR bad. So I decided to set them aside and only weigh when I went to the Dr. or felt completely in touch with myself to do it at home. I don't know how much weight loss is in store for me, but I do know that I want that spiritual healing. And I don't mean in just my Christianity, I mean in my own body that God gave me that I've practically ignored for the past 10yrs. The last couple of days have been a hard couple of days for me. But I've trudged through them and come out on the other side positive and ready for a new day. It's okay if I have a crappy day, I just have to deal. Food is not the answer, sometimes our bodies and minds tell us when to have a quiet moment and we don't listen. We stuff our faces, instead of dealing with the issue.
It's time I give my mind, body and soul a rejuvenation. How bout you?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
What today holds...
I pray today is a better day than yesterday. By yesterday evening I felt like I was going to explode and it wasn't from to much food. Although I know I ate some cobbler when I shouldn't have. But that's the thing, even if I have a bad day, this isn't a diet. It truly is a way of life because I don't have to worry about counting anything! Calories, carbs, fat, protein...nothing! I eat what I want, when I'm hungry, I eat conciously, and I stop when I'm full! I just can't stand the way I felt last night, I don't think I've been that depressed in a while. I know it has to do with my hormones but I'm not one to take "drugs" for it.
I will however go back to the Dr and see what else can be done. I just know that something can be done to help the way I feel all the time.
What relaxed me though was the good ole' mind programming CD that comes with the book. It was kind of weird that, that is what it took to calm my nerves and put me in a relaxed state. Not putting him on a pedestal, but McKenna is good at what he does!
I will however go back to the Dr and see what else can be done. I just know that something can be done to help the way I feel all the time.
What relaxed me though was the good ole' mind programming CD that comes with the book. It was kind of weird that, that is what it took to calm my nerves and put me in a relaxed state. Not putting him on a pedestal, but McKenna is good at what he does!
Monday, July 21, 2008
I want to feel different...
I want to be different on my weightloss than others...and I have. I've known about intuitively eating for a little over 2yrs now. The first I started out with just made me feel to guilty. Like I was a complete failure if I ate over just a bite or 2.
But then someone introduced me to Paul McKenna's show I Can Make You Thin. And I knew this was for me. I finally broke down just a couple of weeks ago and bought the book with the mind-programming CD included. It has been a life changing experience in the way I feel. BUT I still don't think I've added and #'s to my weightloss. I have not been on the scales in I couldn't tell you how long, but I know certain clothes are fitting better. Matter of fact I was in a size 13 jeans just the other day. I was that size when Donnie and I got married 9yrs ago. So that's a great accomplishment, so what in God's name is wrong with my mind and the way I'm thinking. I'm absolutely miserable some days. And not just with the way I'm eating, but with everything going on around me.
I'm over the way I feel, I pray, I meditate, I have quiet time and it still sometimes does absolutely no good.
But then I have these great friends on the McKenna board that have such awesome words of inspiration. Not to mention they've had weightloss too. I just want to feel the way they type on their post sometimes KWIM? Have I mentioned that in the last 2yrs I've lost 55-60lbs, varying at times. Why can't I be happy with that, and just move on. I love this way of eating, it doesn't limit any certain food and it has motivated me to want to get off my butt.
I've started walking at least 2 miles 4 times a week. I just can't understand why my weightloss and me are struggling and others are losing. I've slowed down, I've picked and chose what to eat, I've ate conciously, and I've even stopped when I THOUGHT I was full! What in the crap is holding me back from that thinner me????!!!???? We'll see how far I fair with this blog!
But then someone introduced me to Paul McKenna's show I Can Make You Thin. And I knew this was for me. I finally broke down just a couple of weeks ago and bought the book with the mind-programming CD included. It has been a life changing experience in the way I feel. BUT I still don't think I've added and #'s to my weightloss. I have not been on the scales in I couldn't tell you how long, but I know certain clothes are fitting better. Matter of fact I was in a size 13 jeans just the other day. I was that size when Donnie and I got married 9yrs ago. So that's a great accomplishment, so what in God's name is wrong with my mind and the way I'm thinking. I'm absolutely miserable some days. And not just with the way I'm eating, but with everything going on around me.
I'm over the way I feel, I pray, I meditate, I have quiet time and it still sometimes does absolutely no good.
But then I have these great friends on the McKenna board that have such awesome words of inspiration. Not to mention they've had weightloss too. I just want to feel the way they type on their post sometimes KWIM? Have I mentioned that in the last 2yrs I've lost 55-60lbs, varying at times. Why can't I be happy with that, and just move on. I love this way of eating, it doesn't limit any certain food and it has motivated me to want to get off my butt.
I've started walking at least 2 miles 4 times a week. I just can't understand why my weightloss and me are struggling and others are losing. I've slowed down, I've picked and chose what to eat, I've ate conciously, and I've even stopped when I THOUGHT I was full! What in the crap is holding me back from that thinner me????!!!???? We'll see how far I fair with this blog!
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