Are they finally opening?

Are my eyes finally seeing what needs to be seen? I've read other blogs of fellow NON-DIETERS and it's so eye opening that others deal with not only food struggles but inner struggles as well.
I was one of these girls that didn't even have boobs when I was in the 8th grade, I was so skinny. But never realized it until someone began to tease me about it. That's when the self-image of me began to roar. I stayed pretty thin until I had to quit cheer leading because of bad grades. Then I met my future husband. I got what everyone says "happy fat".

When we got married my wedding dress was a size 14, healthy as most older people call it. I was not miserable but I wanted to lose weight, yet I wasn't obsessed with it yet. Then I started working for a lady that has been on every diet known to man, and she's not fat. It's definitely a mind thing with her. At the time she was doing the Atkins Diet, and I thought, ya know, I'm getting kind of big myself (I had moved into a 16jeans). So I fell in line with those doing this outrageous carb diet, and limited my intake of carbs to 20 per day!!!! That's insane!!! I even went as far to make my own food journal and carried it with me everywhere I went. I lost 20lbs and it was great! Until my body went into a whirlwind and I bled for 16days.

On that 16th day, I STOPPED! I gained 30lbs back!!!! That was the 20 I lost + 10more on top of that!! Then I got pregnant with my precious Lydia, I only gained 24lbs, and lost every bit of it because I nursed her.
Then 7months later came one of the biggest devastation in my life....a tornado. Literally, a tornado, picked up my home and dumped it out like a garbage can. That put more stress on me and my family than I could imagine! I was HOMELESS!!! A month later I found out I was pregnant with Macy. I didn't even give my body time to recover! I gained 35lbs with her, and lost it all, but then the stress of 2 in diapers was unbelievable!!! I gained more weight. Got on WW and paid out the butt to lose a whopping 10lbs in 9wks. NOPE not for me.

When Macy was about 2yrs old, I was watching GMA, and this weight loss program popped up on the screen...coming up next, praying to lose weight. I'm a Christian and of course I was hooked. I got the AT HOME kit and lost 25lbs, found out I was pregnant again!!! This time I gained the most weight. When I had Kara, I was 225 or even a little over, I couldn't bear to look. I avoided every camera possible to man!!! At first a lot of the weight came off with me "trying" to eat intuitively and nursing her also. I lost 30lbs, then I hit a brick wall. I spent more money going back through another "class" and the more I listened the more it just didn't jive with me that I could lose my salvation over eating to much. I still felt like a complete failure.

Then one day while on cafemom I saw a post on someone starting a new group about the "new" show that aired the night before! I thought this is what I'm doing already and I was officially a Paul McKenna follower. NO I don't worship him but I am glad he is sharing this wonderful way of life with others for nothing on the Television!! At that time I was still and avid once a week weigher on those horrible scales. Then it hit me, when I weigh I sabotage if it's good OR bad. So I decided to set them aside and only weigh when I went to the Dr. or felt completely in touch with myself to do it at home. I don't know how much weight loss is in store for me, but I do know that I want that spiritual healing. And I don't mean in just my Christianity, I mean in my own body that God gave me that I've practically ignored for the past 10yrs. The last couple of days have been a hard couple of days for me. But I've trudged through them and come out on the other side positive and ready for a new day. It's okay if I have a crappy day, I just have to deal. Food is not the answer, sometimes our bodies and minds tell us when to have a quiet moment and we don't listen. We stuff our faces, instead of dealing with the issue.

It's time I give my mind, body and soul a rejuvenation. How bout you?